The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
