You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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