There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
