shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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