Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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