just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
