Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
