U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
