Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
