I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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