Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
There's always time for handjobs
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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