don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
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my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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