You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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