Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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