My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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