Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
