I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
