How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
