At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
