I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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