I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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