I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
