God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
