Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
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i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
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I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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