i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
