When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize