She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
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Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
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Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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