my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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