he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
