She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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