im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
