ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
