if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
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Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
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So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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