If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
