i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
