he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
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I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
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My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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