guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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