I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
