I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
