How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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