no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
