She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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