Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
