So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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