god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
