I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
