i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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