i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize