Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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