clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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