Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
