Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
