I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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