you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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