Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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