did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
