Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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