Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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