I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
