No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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