Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
