coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
