omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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