FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
