I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
