i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
