I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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