So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
